The International Bike Swallowing competition is set to get underway today in Salisbury, UK, after a two-year hiatus due to the Covid outbreak. Eager contestants from more than 30 nations have gathered to vie for the coveted crown. Interest has been especially keen due to the relaxation of some of the contest’s earlier rules, and the organizers predict a lively contest.

Not all “bike swallowers” are happy with the new rules. Three-time former champion William “Deep Throat” Simpson could not hide his disdain. “You gotta be kidding me,” he declared. “No external cables? No rim brakes? No front derailleur? Tubeless tires?” He turned away and spat on the ground. “Man, these fellas would probably choke on a full Campy gruppo!”

The new rules did not dampen the enthusiasm of the spectators, however. After the first round of competition, some of the onlookers were ready for more. “I want to be a cyclist when I grow up,” vowed little Susie Wilkins of Salisbury. “Cyclists can eat anything!”